I’m happy today, so I thought it was as good a day as ever to write a post. I doubt anyone reads anything I write regularly, but if by chance you are a unicorn blog reader, you will have noticed that I do not post every Tuesday and Friday, nor do I attempt to post on even a weekly basis. I stopped. I had to stop. I started to feel like my post were genuinely worthless pieces of writing. I was scrambling to find something to write about each week. I didn’t necessarily like what I was writing about and I hated the feeling trapped in my chest like I was accentuating how pointless my writing was by publishing it and expecting even hoping people read what I write. I couldn’t force myself to churn out a new thing every week just to say I posted every week. That was great in the beginning when I wanted to feel like I could stick to one thing for more than two weeks. I’ve had this blog for over a year. I feel it being a part of me, something I’m conscious of even if I’m not writing posts for it.
I’ve had a long standing theory that I don’t have hobbies (emphasis on plural). I have one hobby, and that hobby is collecting hobbies. Currently, my collection of hobbies includes: yoga, calligraphy, drawing, learning German, Instagram, writing, and playing ukulele. I’m thinking about learning Korean, but possibly more on that later. I’m not good at any of these. Why? I get excited about something, spend two weeks immersed in it, and then get excited about something else and spend two weeks immersed in that before getting excited about something else. I cycle around, separating myself from every hobby long enough that when I return to it, I’m basically starting over again.
A lot of the time, this is incredibly frustrating, which is why I was so neurotic about posting every week on my blog. I’m pretty sure my motivation is fuck all at this point. I have yet to develop the skill to see anything through until completion. This is HELL when you want to do things with your life like pay a whole song on ukulele, speak another language fluently, or, you know, publish a book. It doesn’t matter whether or not I’m good at this point if I can’t complete a simple rough draft. Even Stephanie Meyer was published.
Other times, I’m not so angry at myself. I’ve always loved knowing a little bit about everything. Just enough to lie and make people think I know everything. It’ getting harder now that I don’t have TV and don’t have the steady stream of TV shows and commercials to keep me updated. Most of my information comes from Facebook and Pinterest, but those are very tailored to my interests. I can tell that my random knowledge has become more limited. Still, apart from an obsessive working knowledge of Harry Potter, I still like a little bit of this, a little bit of that. Oh gross. (Just kidding about the gross part. I saw an opportunity to reference Ken Davis that I could not pass up.)
Hobbies and tinkering on the Internet is interesting to me, and one of my interesting characteristics. I probably project my old opinions of subtitled movies and shows onto the unnamed masses, but I’m sure everyone thinks I have lost my shit when they see how much I post about Korean drama. I’m certain that a group of people out there are convinced that my apartment is littered with manga, posters of Asian actors, and littered with anime DVDs. Their image of me must look like one of those super fans on TV where everything is papered in that one thing they are obsessed with. That is not what my apartment looks like. My decorating style will not tolerate that behavior.
I think my apartment looks exactly like it belongs to a girl in her late twenties who got her degree in English and has always had a soft spot for art and being crafty. My life is a lot of working really hard to do a good job as the Director of Operations at a spa and, for the most part, making sure I don’t spread my personal thoughts about situations and coworkers all over social media. I don’t like posting about work. It’s not who I am. I also budget and worry about money because I am genuinely proud to tell people that I’ve never missed a student loan payment. I’ve made sure that I could always pay those bills. I also am able to pay most of my other bills as an adult. I’m on my parents’ phone plan and car insurance, but I’m working to pay those bills too. I hate cooking. I barely do it let alone talk about it. I don’t talk about reading with a lot of people because it’s mostly just book reports and I can’t tell you how deeply I ache to be in a class where everyone has more or less read the book I’ve read so we can really talk about it. But, if you want to know, I’m reading Stiff by Mary Roach (about cadavers) and The Madwoman in the Attic by Sandra Gilbert and Susan Gubar (literary criticism about women authors and women’s literature). I’d never post about that as a status though.
I don’t take Facebook seriously to use it as a political platform or a chance for social reform. It’s not where meaningful interaction happens. I think that’s still an in person type job. Facebook is really a place to be silly. How can I recount that instance in a funny way? Oh man, this quote is super funny, I’m going to share it. Who’s excited for Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them? This girl. OH MY GOD I’M SO EXCITED. UHNPHH. And yes, posting about watching Korean dramas. That’s my level of share via Facebook status.
I get more personal with these blog posts, but I think that might be my freedom to use more characters. People expect to read a thousand words in a blog post. Facebook statuses should never be as long. I get most personal though when I’m talking to people, which seems odd for my personality, but it’s true. I still joke around about my odd tastes and weird habits, but I also talk about theories and political standpoints. I don’t just think about the world, I’ll voice an opinion.
I think that’s why I can’t entirely give this blog up. It’s a weird middle ground between Facebook and talking to people. I can get a bit deeper, but I can have superficial one offs too. I feel myself shifting towards only writing when I’m inspired, though, and seeing where that takes me. I’d much rather be happy with the topic and my finished product than forcing myself to just write something even if it’s nothingness. Everyone can think my posts are shite, but I must be able to like what I’ve done to maintain my sanity and self-respect.