Breather.

I found my “journal” from my second London trip. The first entry is entirely in orange ink and begins like so:

May 8th, 2012

“That’s the greatest fallacy of life. The sun won’t come out tomorrow.” Reason #932 of why Dr. Looker is pretty much my hero.

Apparently, I’d tried to write a journal the first time I went and failed spectacularly. I have the pages of a day and a half that I might transcribe into the notebook to keep them safe. I also have a bulletin from St. Paul’s Cathedral dated May 30th, 2010 (one of the huge important days in my life). I have a pamphlet with train times from May 2010, an IKEA sponsored Tube Map, a map of Paris completely covered in my and Haley’s handwriting (bitching about travel-mates), and a blank postcard of the Eiffel Tower reflected on a rainy street. Rah-rah-rah I hate those Paris people. My second attempt at journaling was phenomenally better. I filled out half the journal which is probably the most successful I’ve ever been at journaling.

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I know that last year I was really crazy about writing about London. I spent all of May dedicated to it. I have the May itch, the desire to be in England and nowhere else during the month of May. My thought today was what was I doing to have that much time and energy to obsess so hard about London last year? Sometimes my dedication to the useless is astonishing.

I mean, I still want to go to London, but I’m adulating at max level. I can say this publicly. I’m the new Director of Operations at my job. That’s my actual title. It’s a level of professionalism that I can feel. It’s near tangible. I’m still me, and sometimes I’m still a kid. Also, I’m very aware that I’m not Scott. Like a child, though, I’m violently against trying to be like Scott. People just have to deal with the fact that I’m not him. Cue crossing my arms over my chest and sticking out my lower lip. Still, I’ve stopped joking about “Why did you give me this much authority?” If I were to do that, it would be embarrassing and uncomfortable. I’ve leveled up to the point where I just have to do the job. To questions Melissa at this point would just come off as insulting.

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With my first official week over, there’s a lot left to be desired. Or rather, there’s a lot of room for improvement. I’m overwhelmed to the point where I don’t even try to compare myself to Scott who had sixteen years of experience on me. I’m just pushing to get everything done to the best of my ability and hoping that my ability continues to get better and doesn’t get worse.

This new adulating has made me look to the future. What do I want? I’m getting ready to move. (AGAIN.) I’m done with moving. This move will hopefully be my last one for a long time. I’m excited because it’s going to be a studio apartment I live in by myself. After two years, I’ll be reliant only on myself as far as rent and living arrangements. I’m so excited! I feel one step closer to how I imagined what my adult life would look like.

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I’m flying to Texas to see my best friend in June. She’s having a baby. Talk about adulating. Yikes! I’m not ever going to be at that level, but I’m excited. I’m taking buses and flying in planes to visit my friends. I keep in touch with people even when they’re across the continental US from me. I’m dressing better. I’m honing my interests from broad spectrum ideas into specific areas that I enjoy and want to work on. I’m in a good place in the sense that I’m moving forward on a path I don’t hate. Like, it’s going well enough that I’m scared to post this because I don’t want everything to go to shit the moment this is on the internet. That would be my luck.

I’ve hit my fair share of rock bottoms though— mentally, physically, and career-ly (just kidding, career-wise). God’s pulled me back up from them, and if it all goes to shit tomorrow, he’ll catch me in my free fall, set me down on solid ground, and help me build it all back up again. If I had to wager anything, I think it’s my car that’s going to be the next Hindenburg of my life. But, I digress.

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The journal brightened my day. I was definitely a student. I had no idea what was in store for me. I never would have guessed where I would be in four years. Even just going to London was a surprise. The first time, I was ecstatic because I never thought I’d go much of anywhere in my life. The second time, I was overly blessed. Who would have thought I’d go to London twice?!? This year, I’ve gone to Chicago and will be going to Texas, two new places for me. I’m saving money to go to London next year. I’ll be saving money to go to Ireland in four years. Currently, my job is stable. I have a range of friends. I love my family. I’m going to be a surrogate aunt to my best friend’s kid. He will be receiving SO many books.

This post doesn’t have much of a purpose other than it is good to take a step back during moments of change to appreciate the big picture. Appreciate all of the good things in the past, enjoy what’s happening in the present, and think of all of the amazing things that will happen in the future. Take it from someone who could win an Olympic gold in negative thinking, enjoy the happy thoughts. Hold onto them. Bask in them until your fingers get all prune-y. I dare you.

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