Guys, I’ve reached the point in my year where nothing makes sense, and it might never make sense again. Life is too weird, but also I only got two hours of sleep last night. What do I know?
1. Sleeping is weird. You voluntarily lay down on comfortable surfaces and let yourself go unconscious. You don’t know if you’ll ever wake up. You are completely vulnerable to an attack. Yet, every night, we’re like, “Yes! I’m going to bed. This is great.” It’s like we finally believe the lies our parents told us.
2. Pooping is weird. Any form of excretion is weird. Maybe I’m thinking to much of this because the little furry tumor that wreaks havoc where I live always waits until I’m in eye sight to go poop on it’s faux grass rug. But think about it. You’ve been trained to sit on a bowl with your pants around your ankles while you push poop out of you. And we find this normal and healthy.
3. Hugging is weird. Who decided pressing your body against another human being for three seconds was a form of endearment? Like, I don’t need you to touch me like that. Worse is when you get trapped in a long hug. I’m I supposed to be thinking how nice you are? I’m not. I’m thinking that I never wanted my belly to touch yours ever and it’s creeping me out.
4. Hair is weird. Like, I’m going to spend 90% of my time getting ready in the morning on strands of dead cells that hang from my skin. Am I bored? Maybe I’ll color the dead cells. Red’s a pretty color.
5. Feet are weird. Don’t looked at your feet. Don’t do it. They are the weirdest part of the human body. They look like they should be hands, but they’re not. And your start to realize how stubby your toes are in comparison to the huge mass that is your foot. Don’t look at your hands either. You have flash tentacles with spines. They have little helmets on the tips that you paint colors on Thursday nights.
6. Work is weird. Hey I’m just going to come here and spend eight hours doing mandatory tasks. Then I’m going to go home. But then you keep going back. And you have to talk to a bunch of people you would never otherwise acknowledge in society. And then you get angry about how they do their mandatory tasks and how they go back home earlier or later than you. But twice a month, money is put into your bank account so that you don’t question the system too much.
7. Reading is weird. Why does a series of symbols make me feel emotions? Why do I see pictures when I look at them in succession? I have real feelings about people who only exist on paper. I know them better than I no living breathing human beings that I see on a daily basis. That isn’t entirely healthy behavior. But also I’m smarter and better than people who don’t read. What is their problem?
8. Pregnancy is weird. SO. WEIRD. I can’t even take it. You have this tapeworm alien that attaches itself inside your body where it grows and develops until it takes the shape of a small human. You have to walk around all day like you’re still a normal person, but on the inside of you there is a WHOLE human who’s playing a conga line on your kidneys. And then at the end of nine months you have to push it out of your vagina in front of doctors, nurses, and the inevitable med student. I never gave permission for the med student to see me hoo-hah.
9. Flying is weird. I bet this gigantic metal tube won’t plummet to the ground. You’re more likely to die by accidental drowning than in an airplane crash. Both sound terrible and you aren’t making me trust flying. It’s a glorified bus with wings. Why do we feel this is safe?
10. Baths are weird. They are not relaxing. They are shameful and weird. You know what you look like, right? You look like a freshly plucked chicken sitting in a pot that partially filled with water. You’re sitting naked in a self contained puddle. You have to drink a lot of wine before that seems attractive.