I wrote over a thousand words for this week’s blog post, but then couldn’t post them. Sometimes when I write these things I feel like I’m trying to sell something. Or worse, I feel like I’m trying to sell this better version of myself, like this self-deprecating Christian who’s really secretly just amaze-balls and doing everything she’s supposed to do as a Christian #humblebrag. I’m not and I don’t. I have vast ways in which I need to grow as a Christian. Huge ways.
I am very easily hard on myself. I have a natural inclination rooted so deeply in my brain that it’s almost impossible to fight that reminds me that I’m a sinner, a terrible no good very bad sinner. When I write posts and talk about anything good that I might have done in the name of God, my brain’s whispering, “But let’s talk about all of this bad crap you do constantly that God doesn’t approve of.” I’m constantly at war with myself.
When I wrote a whole post about 2 Corinthians 12:9 “My Grace is sufficient for you,” (Not the whole verse but now you know where to look for that verse in the future.) I exited out of the screen feeling like a jerk. I felt like I’d written this piece that was going to make me look like even in my bad times, I just easily rely on God. If that piece had been written by someone else and I read it, I’d feel like I was absolutely failing at my faith somehow. I’d think to myself, “Why can’t I rely on God so easily? I don’t do that.” I focus so much on what I’m doing that, as it turns out, I’m terrible at listening to God when he tells me that his grace is sufficient for me.
I didn’t choose God. I did not come to faith on my own. I fully believe that not my works but Jesus’s life, death, and resurrection alone has saved me. The Holy Spirit worked faith in my heart. I believe that. I want to live for Christ in response to what he’s done for me, but it’s been super easy to lose sight of God in that. At least for me. I start worrying that I don’t live as a Christian to the right degree or that I should handle bad things in my life better because I’m forgiven and redeemed. I keep thinking, “I, I, I, me, me, me.” I forget God’s power in the mix.
I could say that life’s been rough lately. Life’s always rough. It’s rough in new ways. And maybe it’s unfair to say rough. Life, actual living requires change. It requires making decisions, facing new situations, and pressing forward– all things I’ve historically been terrible at. Being an adult sucks because it’s the antithesis of how my brain’s set up. Some days, I sit down and think, “Where did I mess up?” I look for something to fix rather than relying on God, which is a shameful confession for me.
I’m ashamed of how much I look to myself to fix my problems rather than God. God’s grace is sufficient because in all things, in all situations, I have been forgiven and saved. No matter what I face in life, I’m on the winning side. I have the right and the reason to celebrate Christ’s victory of sin, death, and the devil. In fact, I should celebrate that much more than I do.
Along with that salvation, I’m a beloved child of God. He takes care of me daily. The control freak in me hates not being able to see how God’s working specifically in my life. I want typed out minutes, blueprints, schematics, reports. I want all of the data that lays out clearly what everything means. I want to see the purpose. I want to know what my purpose is because a lot of days I wonder if I have one.
I’m hanging on, but that’s wrong. The almighty God of the universe is crafting my existence, drawing me to him, forgiving me always, and molding me into the person he wants me to be. Hanging on still implies that I’m relying on my own strength to survive when instead I should let go, trusting that God’s holding onto me. I have no idea what I’m doing. I have no idea if I’m ever going to be able to stop saying that phrase. I feel like everything I write for this blog has that phrase nestled somewhere in it. However unsuccessful or feeble my attempts, I’m going to try to listen to God when he tells me his grace is sufficient for me. I’m going to try and put all of my trust in him.
I’m scared. I’ll admit that. In my sinfulness, I see the unknown stretched out before me and it scares me. God has seen it. God is already there. God is holding onto me, strengthening me and leading me. So, I’m going to try to let him lead me, and trust that his plans are in motion and just because I feel like I’m doing nothing, that doesn’t mean something isn’t happening.