Sorry, Not Sorry: Revisited

The first time I was in London, Papa Looker took a to a play called A Doll’s House: Revisited. The group of actors took the play and preformed it word for word, but completely changed the tone and mood of the play by their actions. It was shell shocking, actually because I think that was the first time I’d seen anyone take something I’d studied seriously and academically and changed it into something silly, comical, and wholly brilliant in it’s own right. I feel like I need a revisit.

When I wrote my last post, I was hurt. Not many, but maybe three people had seemingly gone out of their way to either point out flaws or just show that I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t merit the time, effort, or consideration you’d give to another human being. I melded the experience into every other similar experience I had like that, and felt overwhelmingly like people hate me all of the time.

This is ridiculous. If anything, people like me. (Side note to Dani, “I’m a nice person! People like me!”) They treat me with undeserved and surprising kindness and respect. Then it’s me squinting at them, asking myself, “Why? I’m a terrible person. I’m failing at x, y, and z. Let me list out all of my terrible qualities that prove why you shouldn’t be nice to me.”

You’d think that once people start treating me how I feel I should be treated, that I’d have some sort of relief. Apparently that’s not true. A part of my reaction is probably just plain ego. No human instinctively enjoys being treated like that. Another part might just be that I’m not used to being treated like that. It’s a foreign concept. I blame my family for giving me a good childhood where I was loved and appreciated. How will I ever become a true artist, mom and dad? But, seriously, the moment were unexpected and foreign. My brain struggled to process them amidst the hurt.

I still hold true to what I said in my last post. I’m not sorry. I don’t have to apologize to you or anyone for who I am. But let me also clarify. I do apologize to God. I ask his forgiveness and for his strength to truly repent, to turn away from my sinful nature. Repenting isn’t easy. Sinning is both alluring and easy, but I asked for forgiveness and guidance everyday. I’m doing my best and trusting in God to live a better Christian life that glorifies Him.

I also wanted to revisit my last post because it was sinful in it’s set up.

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor[a] and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Matthew 5:43-48

I was loving people who loved me, instead of loving and praying for those who hurt me. I needed to remind myself that people loved me. I needed the comfort and security they give me. And while, I should sing their praises more often, I shouldn’t dismiss those who do things against me. I should continue to love and pray for them, not because I feel they obviously must need it but because they are Children of God the same as me. Just like me they need the Father’s forgiveness and strength. They need his love just like I do. They are humans. If I wanted to be treated like a viable human, I should treat them as such.

So here’s to trying to live better, accepting kindness, forgiving when it’s hard, and acknowledging when you’ve been wrong.

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(My Pinterest has been flooded with Bob’s Burger gifs lately and I’m mildly addicted.)

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