Sorry, Not Sorry.

I’m not sorry.

I’m not sorry that I swear. I’m not sorry that some days I don’t treat you like you’re the only person in the world that matters. I’m not sorry that I struggle with a mental illness. I’m not sorry if my life doesn’t look successful enough to you. I’m not sorry that I know myself and continue to want to be single. I’m not sorry that I’ve made mistakes because I’m trying to do better– not for you but for me. I’m not sorry that I’m not the poster child worker. I’m not sorry if my values aren’t a replication of your own. I’m not sorry that I have hobbies and interests that make me happy. I’m not sorry that I’m upset when you don’t follow through on your promises to me because I trusted you. I’m not sorry that I look like a hot mess because I’m still fighting really hard to get by. I’m not sorry for being socially awkward and socially uncomfortable.

So, if you’re wondering, if you have this deep niggling feeling within yourself to find me out and let me know either subtly or blatantly that I don’t meet your criteria for a worthwhile human being, I’m not FUCKING sorry.

Moreover, I’m not in the mood to hear it. I have never begged anyone to be my friend. I have never forced anyone to read my posts. I have never promised to hero worship someone no matter what. I’ve only asked for help when I truly thought I needed it. So stop treating me like I’ve failed you. Stop acting like you get to make the decision on whether I’m lovable or redeemable. I have a hard enough time thinking positively about myself. I do not need you reinforcing all of my negative thoughts. They are strong on their own, and it is already exhausting to fight them.

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That being said, I want to dedicate this post to some people who I find outstanding. I’m dedicating it to them because it’s too easy to focus on people who don’t like you and treat you like shit. It’s really easy for me to focus on the negative. Yet, even though I’ve felt that people have been outstandingly douche-y towards me lately, there are people on this planet that remind me that life can be positive and bright as well.

I dedicate this to:

My mom, who would happily drive two hours to come visit me just because she missed me, even though she’s sick and it’s going to basically wipe out the rest of her week. He continually sacrifices for me in ways that I can’t begin to understand because she loves me that much.

My dad, who takes time to Skype me because he genuinely wants to know about my life and how I’m doing and where my interests lie. He wants to know me and have an actual father-daughter relationship with me.

My siblings, who in their own way love me and make time for. They make me feel like one of them and someone worthwhile. They talk to me, actually want to spend time with me. They think about me even when I’m not near them which is 99.9% of the time unfortunately.

My best friend Keri, who is supportive and always there to talk to . She’s honest and truthful, but always to help me and to encourage me even though she’s going through a hard time herself. She’s my fourth sister, someone I rely on deeply.

My great friends Ashley and Emily, who are marvelous human beings and essentially make my day better whenever we text or get to hang out. They are cool, and it’s crazy every time they say they want to hang out with me because they’re that cool, but they do and that builds my self-esteem because it’s amazing to have friend who really like you.

My roommate, Chelsea, who understands that I’m a hot mess and doesn’t judge. She rolls with the punches, and unfortunately there are punches. She’s a better friend than I deserve sometimes, but she still cares for me.

My coworkers, Dani, Bonnie, and Kimmie, these women are astounding. In moments where they probably should have told me to shut up and stop whining, they sought to make my day better and supported me in probably one of the worst work weeks I’ve had in a while. They acted selflessly, and it was amazing to be on the receiving end of their generosity.

My (adopted because my dad will always be my true pastor) Pastor, who, even though I blitzkrieg-ed with a bunch of crazy talk, validated my feelings and set up a time to speak to me because he cares and is a nice person and a good pastor.

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