Nothing worthwhile has happened to me in the past week that I want to write about. Also, my thoughts feel kind of scattered and stream of consciousness-like. I’m trying to think properly in coherent sentences but my brain is producing a gem-stream like: I talked in Bible study. Judas is fascinating to discuss. New girl at work. Don’t understand. Mostly I hate people for the first month. Some exceptions. Put stickers on product for four days straight. The purple sheets are tripping me out. They’re soft. I should go to bed right now. I’m almost done with Parks and Rec Season 4. Kimmie wants to watch episodes with me. If I move into an apartment on my own, I’d never have to listen to anyone eat carrots or chips. Police would definitely find my body three days after I died. Would brain cancer be so bad? I couldn’t fight it. I’m cold. Why am I cold if I’m inside?
I’ve been binge watching Parks and Rec for the past four days. I’ve been watching the episodes while applying label and seal stickers to scrub jars. I get paid to do that. I have a college degree and I get hourly pay to put glorified and designed stickers on plastic bottles. I can’t tell if I’m winning or losing so hard it’s magnificent and should be considered a win.
I’m trying to be positive though. I could probably come up with a thousand words to complain about how my life isn’t the way I thought it would be, or dreamed it would be. So could everyone on the planet, I’m beginning to realize. So why not be positive and fight my brain’s natural instinct to explain and be broody.
I went to Chicago! I’d never thought I’d ever be able to be the person that thought, “Hmm. I want to go to Chicago,” and then buys a ticket, goes to Chicago all by herself, and then has a blast. I just went. No one stopped me. It was spontaneous yet perfectly executed.
I’m going to go to London for a third time. Three whole times! I never thought I’d leave America even once. And this time I’m going just to go, not for class or anything. I’m that person. That person is me, and that’s awesome.
I have a best friend and super close friends. They aren’t just people I associate with but think it’s easy or okay to ditch or cancel on. They care about me and I care about them. A lot. Way more than I thought I could like other people.
I love my family. I’ll always love my parents and siblings, but now I have brothers-in-law and nieces and nephews. I didn’t know these people existed or would exist when I was a kid, but now they’re my family and I love them.
I pay bills and buy groceries. I can put gas in my car and buy new shoes. I’m so adult it hurts. I have somehow managed to survive even though I don’t live at home anymore. Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to move back home and not adult as much as possible, but if I did, I could do so knowing that I’m capable of adulting.
Life is crazy and depressing and interesting. I write too many sentences with eight conjunctions in a row. There’s a word for that, but I don’t want to look it up. Still, it’s too easy to not appreciate what I have. my brain is geared for the exact opposite. I’ve been feeling that almost viscerally. Today, while praying, I thanked God for socks. Why? Because without them my feet would be cold. Not really, it’s more that I realized there are so many things to be thankful that my mind doesn’t wan to to focus on. It wants to burrow down in its unhappy, cynical, judgmental thoughts which are funny in the moment, but then leave me upset and twisted in the long run. I thanked God for Sweet’n’Low in perfect sized packets, the tiled floor, light bulbs and their existence, and my coffee. Anything and everything can be a benefit.
Tomorrow I will forget all of this. I’ll be angry or grouchy. I’ll say mean things or wish I was someone else doing something different, but right now, I’m intrigued. I’m not always happy. I’m not always content. Being intrigued is thrilling because if I’m still intrigued by what I’m able to do, then I’m not stuck in life with nowhere to go. Things still demand to be learned. Books still demand to be read. Songs still demand to be played. I’m not sinking to the bottom of the ocean. I’m bobbing underwater, but then also breaking the surface again and getting deep gulps of wondrous air.
It’s– literally– Chris Traeger awesome.