Winter-Spring makes driving to work look like I’m driving through Sleepy Hollow. Instead of a white Kincade wonderland, I fight the day’s early indecision on whether or not it’s going to rain. A lot of the roads I take are country roads. They aren’t dirt roads, but there are farms and a distinct distance between neighboring houses. Today, I left for work agonizingly early, so all of the leafless trees looked cold and black in front of the sky. The sky was stunning, but I’m a celestial lover, so I could be biased.
The English language doesn’t have names for the colors in the sky, but they were in shades of orange-y pink and bluish lavender. The clouds framed my view and the sun hit the littlest cloud, making them dazzle. Then, throughout everything, a fog clung to branches and sat on the side of the road. The fog had an instant quieting effect that made the trip feel downright literary.
As I drove, I listened to For King and Country’s Fix My Eyes. On repeat. I actually started listening to this song on repeat Monday morning. I’ve been joking, mostly to myself because I have a touch of the crazy, that I’ve been listening to this song over and over again and in unrelated news I haven’t killed anyone. My problem is that I’ve been so depressed for a few weeks now. Some mornings it’s still difficult to get out of bed. It’s bad enough that I use the snooze button, which I don’t normally do. I feel myself pulling out of that, though, which in part is exciting. I was starting to get a little worried. Except, now, I’m not depressed. I’m anxious. I have enough energy to worry and care now, so my brain hasn’t shut up, which sucks in its own way. The song has kept me going.
I’m loving on Fix My Eyes though because it’s upbeat and it has Jesus. I even sing aloud shamelessly in the car. I think I made it two repetitions this morning before I started crying, which I am slightly ashamed to admit. Crying along to Contemporary Christian songs feels too emotional for me, like raising my hands during worship. I’m not that person. Regardless, the chorus got me. I love the chorus. I’m a chorus girl at heart. My love for a song will most likely come from a love of the chorus. The chorus to this songs goes:
Love like I’m not scared
Give when it’s not fair
Live life for another
Take time for a brother
Fight for the weak ones
Speak out for freedom
Find faith in the battle
Stand tall but above it all
Fix my eyes on You
The words, especially the first four lines hit me in my heart. I’m at exactly the right place in my life where they just mean something. They make me want to hit my head with the palm of my hand and shout, “My, God! That’s it. That’s the answer.” But it’s crazy what you start to catch in a song when you listen to it on repeat.
It’s stupid, but I hadn’t really thought about fixing my eyes on God. Of course, I know that’s the purpose of the song. I have some reading comprehension. I’ve taken classes about poetry. I know. I just didn’t know until God opened up my whole mind mid-jam this morning.
It doesn’t matter if I love like I’m not scared, give when it’s not fair, live life for another, or take time for a brother if my eyes aren’t fixed on God. We aren’t called to do good works so we can call ourselves good people. That’s not the purpose of a Christian. Our purpose is to praise God. We should be so excited about him and what he’s done for us that we can’t help but preach Christ triumphant. All of it, loving, giving, living, sharing, fighting, standing, and speaking should all be done for God and in response to His astounding love and mercy. Right? We are forgiven and redeemed and we should live as such. It just so happens that the result of living as children of God often comes out as loving like we aren’t scared, giving when it’s not fair, living life for each other, and taking time for our brothers. At least, I think it should look like that because if Christ’s in us, we should live like Him. I also think he gives us strength to live like that.
Yes, we fix our eyes on Him, but really it’s merely to see His amazing power at work. We watch him forgive us, love us, and take care of us. We see him give us strength, hope, and comfort. And through Him and only because of Him are we able to go out and live for him. I’m going to cry again, but I’m so happy about that.
I’m happy that I’m His child and get to know that. I cried this morning because I felt a taste of the fullness of His love for me and the world. I cried because he forgives me and saves me. He has made a place for me in heaven. He calls me his child. I feel lost, but He finds me, always. It’s all very emotional and hard to put into words, but I hope you get it nonetheless. I hope you’ve had that core feeling of wonder and awe and thankfulness because WOW. God. Amirite?