I should have seen this coming.

I don’t know how to even start this. So… I’m pretty sure my boss wanted to ask me if I was gay. She’s asked me once before. When I first started working, she said I needed to get a boyfriend or date or something like that. My immediate response was, “I don’t want a boyfriend.” Because I don’t. I think that would be exhausting and painful. Before you argue and tell me I don’t know what I’m missing, I need you to know that I’m not like you. I don’t think of social interactions like you do. Anyway, she didn’t know me very well, and did the whole, “Oh! Do you like girls?” And I very kindly replied, “No, I don’t date because I hate everyone.” Fast forward two promotions and eighteen months. My boss and I know each other a lot better. We laugh and joke. I’m blessed to get along really well with both of my bosses.

One day recently, there was a hot guy that came over to the admin side of the spa. It’s one of the little blessings life gives us. The guy wasn’t a complete stranger and my boss totally felt comfortable telling me that she thought he was just really hot, and didn’t I think so too? Well…

hesitated

He was hot. He had relatively symmetrical features and a strong jaw. His teeth were straight. If I remember correctly, he had a bit of that inverted triangle build going on. He was aesthetically pleasing, which I told my boss. I felt uncomfortable though, not a normal thing for me. I don’t always have a huge problem voicing how attractive I find certain guys.

Later on, she was relaying the moment to her husband, and I felt the need to defend my hesitation, or at least my lack of earnest or eager agreement. “He’s attractive. I think he’s an attractive guy. I’m just not attracted to him.” Then it happened. There was this brief but distinctive moment where my boss made eye contact with me and I swear to God she was going to ask me if I was gay. At very least, I saw her think, “Are you sure you’re straight?” And before this gets back to my boss and I somehow get in trouble, this is just my interpretation of her facial expression. Maybe she was thinking an entirely different thing that had nothing to do with me. I mean, we moved on to a different topic. She hasn’t outright asked me or alluded to anything to do with my preferences. Maybe I’m crazy.

sure

Except I firmly believe I’m right in my perception.

I guess, if I was going to take a few steps back and look at the situation as an unbiased third person,  I understand how someone could question another person in my situation. I don’t like or agree with it, but I can understand to a degree. I don’t date, which apparently makes me some form of heinous alien species. I think I’m the only single person at my job. I show no interest in dating. And, in a society that readily judges people on who they’re screwing and how frequently, I’m an anomaly, so of course I must be a closeted gay. Obviously. What other option could there possibly be?

I’m not gay. I really really like men, in case you were wondering. That guy was hot, but I could see how he walked and I saw how he dressed. I know people say that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but let’s get real. I knew in the first glance that the guy wasn’t someone I find attractive. He didn’t devour books. He didn’t know who Donne was. He thought Harry Potter was for nerds and people who were lame. He was everything I wasn’t about and vice versa. And sure, someone’s compatibility with you isn’t necessary for declaring them hot or not, but it’s something I take into account when I decide if a guy’s hot. It may not be the criteria most people use when they decide if someone’s hot, which is why I was able to say that I knew that guy was hot. However, there are certain things I look at to decide if I’m attracted to someone, which is why I said I wasn’t attracted to that guy.

thankyou no

I think guys who are passionate about something are hot. I love when they are really into something: books, movies, maybe not sports, but like, a life goal or something like that. That’s hot.

I think guys who are smart and funny are hot. The ability to be sarcastic or have the perfect response at exactly the right time is so attractive. Any guy who can think that fast and brilliantly is downright sexy.

I think guys who’ve read books like The Silmarillion, or Shakespeare’s plays, or John Donne’s poetry, or Tolstoy are hot. If a guy voluntarily has read anything of real substance, I kind of want to bare their children. They could be doing anything with their time, but they choose to better themselves through really great reading? Yum.

I think guys who care about their family are hot. It’s attractive to have good relationships with your parents and siblings and friends. I want to see guys genuinely caring about the wellbeing of their loved ones.

cuteguyalert

As it turns out, I’m not gay. (Shocker.) I just have different standards. I attribute attractiveness based off of personality (and sometimes talents). Yes, a person can be simply beautiful. The world of modeling has taught us this. They can have the perfect features on top of a perfect body. Sure, fine, whatever. But I’m more likely to drool over a guy sitting on a bench wearing a Doctor Who shirt and bent over a book he’s absorbed in than some guy who just got lucky in genetics.

Now, if he’s genetically blessed AND smart… all the better. I still don’t want to have a relationship. But I will enjoy the sight thoroughly and I will give a shout out to God for the job well done. Hello, sir. hotdudereading

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