Shit I Say: Another List of Ten

1. When I watch movies with people, oftentimes I’ll say, “Fun Fact: …” and then say something about the actors, movies, or the stories. After I’ve said this Fun Fact I usually laugh at my own brilliance and then turn back to the movie.

2. When I’m on the internet, I openly laugh or comment on the pictures to the point that I’ll look up from my computer to see the people in the room with me watching me with grins on their faces, essentially laughing at me laughing at things.

3. A lot of people don’t quite know when I’m talking to them or the book I’m reading, but my mom does. She doesn’t look over at me until I looked pointedly at her and half shout, “Can I just tell you something?”

4. Oh, you don’t know why you’re feeling sick? “You’re pregnant.” Don’t tell me you need to have sex for conception. One word: Mary.

5. There is one reaction I have at seeing an attractive man and it is this, “Hi.” Do I find this guy extra attractive? “Hi. Hello.” Tom Hiddleston? “Hi. Hello. Heeeeey.”

6. Do you want to…? We should… “Yeah, or I could shoot myself in the face.” This is a thing, and it’s so funny. I’ve gotten my mom to say it. Nothing is better than your mom responding to the invitation of others by saying, “Or I could shoot myself in the face.”

7. “Oh, you know.” Because I hope that if I just say words in a tone of voice that sounds like I’m answering the question, maybe you will not notice I didn’t answer the question, especially about how I am today.

8. “Meijer.” Shoes, shirt, pants, that necklace, it’s all from Meijer. I don’t need to shop anywhere else. I can get my food and clothes there. I’m set for life. I just need to never move away from Michigan, and if I do it will be to London, and then my answer to all of the above questions will be, “Tesco.”

9. “I remember that now.” Because I definitely had completely forgotten that we talked, and kind of that you existed until you appeared at my desk and started talking to me. I might have a minor case of Alzheimer’s, which would be funny if I didn’t have the family health history that I do.

10. “I really kind of attracted to (insert random actor’s name) right now.” I say that I hate everyone, but really I could find a reason to love anyone. Honestly, I’ve done it before. It’s like this terrible curse on my life. One semester in college, I was bored and decided to choose a guy at random just to see if I could get myself to develop a crush on him. Nailed it. But it’s about as cool of a talent as making realistic portraits of celebrities with colored noodles. The weird is too strong with this one.



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