It’s Tuesday, isn’t it?
I don’t have a single thing to write about. I’ve been so tired at work because I was doing to work of two people without all the extra time to do it in. I can’t sleep. Even on my day off when I should have slept until two in the afternoon, I was up at 9 am. Granted, last night I was in some sort of coma and didn’t wake up throughout the night like usual. I woke up with a headache though, which has been amplified by the fact that I have to call my old apartment complex. They issued a check with my address under my roommate’s name, which isn’t so bad except they charged me for a key fob replacement that isn’t my fault. I’ve been telling them for two years that we were never given that key fob, and dammit, $75 is a lot of money! Plus, I guess it’s the principle of the matter.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m being unrealistic because for the second time this year I’m freaking out about moving. My current lease, the one I jumped in on with a friend, is ending come December 1st, which means that I need to be moved into a new place by the end of November. There are so many reasons why this sucks.
- I just moved.
- No one wants to help you move in winter. That is a fact.
- I’ll probably have to rent a U-Haul because I feel way too guilty about asking my sister’s husband’s dad to help me again, only this time in winter.
- I’ll have to find money for a security deposit, and probably partial rent in November, and rent for December, and anything else they’re going to charge me during the month before Christmas.
I’m an adult. I’m telling myself that I’m not going to cry. I’m also chanting that God’s got this. This is a great opportunity for him to show me the direction he has for me in life. Or rather, this is an opportunity for me to finally listen to what he’s trying to tell me about my life. I know what my innermost being is trying to say about life. “Marissa, this sucks. Life shouldn’t be this hard. You have a college degree. You work forty hours a week. You shouldn’t have to work this hard to make ends meet. And also, this feeling of drowning in finances, that feeling that tells you that you’ll never be comfortable when it comes to money will never leave you for the rest of your life. Here’s your complimentary storm cloud.”
I don’t want to be rich. I just want to feel like I can pay my bills without panicking about whether or not I’ll buy groceries and toilet paper too. Maybe this would all feel worthwhile or bearable if I had even the smallest inkling as to what I should do with my life, but God’s been pretty aloof on that. I know that foremost my life should be about proclaiming Christ triumphant and to live in a way that glorifies God and points others to Him. I get that, but there’s like a TRILLION different ways to do that, but not all of them are satisfying to me. I’d like to find just one way in which I’m happy with what I’m doing, living as an example of Christ, and making enough money to be comfortable.
Now, if you’ll excuse me. I’m taking this panic attack to apartments.com where I’ll pretend to be able to rent a studio apartment for $400 or less a month.