Ham Butt.

I’ve probably made a terrible mistake.

I’m poor. Really poor. The outlook for the rest of my life is poor. Maybe I’ll end up wrong, but currently I can’t see around the huge mountain of debt that is my student loan payment. This doesn’t just affect my pride or my socioeconomic status. Today, it has affected lunch.

I’m on the Ramen Noodle diet because nothing says “Kill me” more than giving a cute name to not being able to afford groceries. D’Awww. Apart from Ramen Noodle, which I eat nightly, I also have boxes of Mac’n’Cheese and I also have a very small bottle of milk that has yet to spoil, causing it to be dumped out. Usually not having milk is what stops me from cooking the Mac’n’Cheese that has been in my cupboard, roughly for months.

So, I decided to cook the noodles, feeling pretty good about myself. Then I drained the noodles using the lid of the pot instead the strainer because I didn’t want to do dishes. Mid-drain though, it hits me. I don’t have butter. BUTTER. I’m missing one of three ingredients to make the stupid cheese sauce. I always have butter, except I’m poorer this summer than I have been in a while, so I won’t buy groceries unless they seem necessary. I didn’t buy butter because it hadn’t seemed necessary at the time because I didn’t think about making Mac’n’Cheese because I always think, “Oh I never have milk to make it.” Dammit. Just dammit.

How do you save Mac’n’Cheese that doesn’t have butter? I don’t know. I’m hoping the solution is make it not Mac’n’Cheese because that’s what I decided to do. First, I took out the last slice of ham. I buy a hunk of dinner ham that comes pre-sliced for sandwiches. At the end of every hunk is what I call the ham butt. It’s a slice that’s too thick and unsuitable for a sandwich. It can be cubed and thrown into anything you want cubed ham in, however. I didn’t have a knife because as I mentioned before I’m not a real adult, so I cubed it with a fork. I dumped the ham in, then the cheese powder, and the stupid fresh milk that I had. I also put in parsley and garlic salt because at that point I truly embraced not knowing what the hell I was doing with lunch, possibly my life. I had woken up at eight to get my haircut; it was currently almost one in the afternoon. I paid rent and had to deal with a myriad of people. I was bloated and cramping and at the moment I just wanted edible food, dammit.

So, I waited for that cluster-nut I just threw together to seep into the noodles and not be weirdly soupy, which was standard procedure when I make Mca’n’Cheese. I never ate it right away. Instead, I pulled out the half empty bottle of Mike’s Hard Margarita I didn’t throw away because I’m poor enough to save that and drink it at a later date, i.e. days like today. Who knows when I’ll ever have enough money to buy alcohol again anyway?

Part of me is terrified to eat my concoction, but we’ll see how it goes. I’m like 85% sure it won’t kill me. As the waiting continues, let’s just all take a moment to acknowledge that being poor sucks, like black hole sucks.

P.S. Yes I will be using that fork I used to cut the ham butt to eat this meal… from out of a mug because I don’t have any clean bowls either.


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